Space Vampire Unit

This was my first real game of the convention. It used the FATE system. Based on the name, I had expected a police procedural in space. What I got instead was a completely over the top, no holds barred session of tastelessness and fun. As with many games I played this Origins, it was not for delicate of sensitivities or the easily offended.

I was trying to figure out why I did not actually find it offensive. I think it's because the jokes were made at the expense of source material, not of real cultures.

The premise of the game was that there had been a war against space vampires, and the vampires had lost. The PCs crewed a ship that was part of the SVU, whose duties were to be ever watchful for vampires. But, no one took it that seriously, as no vampires had been seen for some centuries. Nope, this was just a second rate ship full of oddball misfits no one else wanted.

The GM explained about Fate points and said that anyone willing to read his or her character sheet aloud, with the appropriate pizzazz, would get 2 Fate points. We all took him up on this.

GM: Evan Dicken

???: Robot - Level 4 Boss. Also known as Tin Man.

Will M(???): Wink Smallboard. His parents were lost in a freak murder accident.

All of us: "Freak Murder Accident"?!

Then, somehow, he got left alone on some ship or other, and survived, setting te replicator on Delicious Edible Panties. He was, iirc, told that he was the captain of this ship, as something of a joke. When he was rescued, he was given the rank of Acting Ensign.

Wayne (???): Van Dieter. A Van Diesel type, clearly played by him.

Me: Obi Jin Anikobi. Played by whoever played Anikin in the (chronological) 2nd and 3rd movies. The Jedi fought against the vampires in the Vampire Clone war. Theirs was an organization of men only, and their reproduction techniques were a deep secret. They eventually created the Joneses, Jedi clones who were unstable. Almost all of these plotted against the Jedi, succeeding despite their complete lack of secrecy and subtlety. All the Jedi and most the Joneses were destroyed. The surviving Joneses fled back to the vampires -- except for Obi-Jin, who was a Jones who had never served the vampires and had somehow escaped the madness of the other Joneses. He hoped to stave off the degeneration of his faculties and to destroy the remaining Joneses before he himself became one. I'm not quite sure of the logic there, given that Obi-Jin was already a Jones, but I was quite clear that logic was irrelevant.

Jason S(???): Professor Philippe Cambert. Played by the actor who played Doogie Houser. A child prodigy while still in the womb.

Christina "Wiccy" Dunstock: Princess Gwendolyn from 1105 CE. This character joined the cast in the 7th season, in an attempt to boost the ratings. One of her main aspects was her breasts. Her evil uncle Balsac (which the player refused to say over and over, which we all understood) usurped the throne. The princess was aided by the crew of a ship from the future. This was not our ship. The crew became her knights. But, you didn't think it would be that easy, right? Of course not! Evil Uncle Balsac had his revenge, and I think everyone was put in a magical stasis field. The Princess was released from it and joined the SVU crew.

The GM had provided two more characters than there were players, and he noted that, even though he had provided two captains, neither of these had been chosen.

GM: Who is the captain?

Player (I think Tin Man's player, but it could've been the professor's player or Dieter's): I say we should promote the Acting Ensign.

We agreed. After all, he had prior experience, right? So, Captain Wink it was.

Next was the question of an engineer.

Me: I can repair stuff -- close my eyes and cross some wires.

GM (rolling with the insanity, both his and ours): Your engineer accidentally spaced himself. You were a little broken up about it, but none of you liked him.

Jason: And he's still alive. (tosses in a Fate point, making this a Declaration, and, thus, true)

The ship received a distress call from a space station, which was cut off in the middle.

Someone: Sorry, we just lost the transmission.

Robot: Transmission terminated.

Wink: Can the ship fly or did we lose it in the budget cuts?

There was also a Lunarian ship. The Lunarians looked like green grays and were a well known race, peaceful, if annoying.

Van Diesel: Alien ship!

Professor: Decaf!

Robot: Captain, may I offer you my alien decision making specs(??)

Space Station Person: Can't hold out much longer!

Van Diesel: Do I have to get out and push?

Someone (about Tin Man): I think that's his job.

Captain Wink: Ludicrous Speed!

Someone: Our speed is _always_ ludicrous!

Obi used his power to scan for life signs.

Obi: I sense chaos and confusion.

Professor: On the space station, not here!

Someone (about the Lunarian ship, I think): They're trying to ram us!

Someone: We've damaged them!

The Lunarians were not, of course, attacking. They were in distress because their ship was damaged. The small aliens crowded on board the SVU ship, high on meth, which they took recreationally all the time, and speaking in high voices. They were all clones of each other.

Someone: We can use them for torpedoes?

Someone: I already said that!

Obi went aboard the Lunarian ship to see what Zen Repair he could do, while Gwendolyn tried to get folks moving on the larger situation.

Gwendolyn: So, Captain, are you going to captain?

Someone: We'll mesmerize them with her breasts, then fast talk them.

Obi returned, having fixed the problem on the Lunarian ship. The Lunarians showed their gratitude by sticking their slimy hands in his mouth.

Obi: Oh ghod, it's worse than the Jedi Initiation Ceremonies.

Gwendolyn: I've got some Listerine in my cabin.

He took her up on this, as the Lunarians returned to their ship. I think a couple had been killed by Van Dieter, but, as they were all clones, they figured they could just uncrate a few more.

Meanwhile, sensors picked up a Utopia Class ship with Stardust Children.

GM (explaining): Space Hippies

Tin Man: Enemy ship approaching, Sir!

I forget whether the SVU ship actually attacked it or what. Regardless, eventually the SVU crew went onto the space station.

Obi: I sense... turmoil... and rage.

Pf: Again, again -- not us! _Them_!

Someone, possibly Tin Man (about one of the station's robots): That model was always a bit... twitchy!

GM (as Professor looks at the computer): They erased all the programs, but --

Professor: They didn't empty the recycle bin?

GM: No, they did, _but_...

I forget what the professor found, but I think it may have been a file where someone explained about some experiment. The GM let the player name the scientist in question.

Professor: Dr. Lombardi Bonehook -- from the New Amsterdam Bonehooks.

And, a Fate point Declaration said that Dr. Lombardi Bonehook was one of the Professor's old students, though he was several decades older than his mentor.

I totally forget the experiment being done, but it had something to do with gene splicing.

Someone: Gene splicing is not as illegal as Kool Aid.

GM: Yes, Kool Aid is a controlled substance. In the future. But Meth...

A Station Computer: Greetings! I am the Mark 4 Entertainment System. I am programmed with 10,000 accents.

I think the computer files also showed men in black armor.

Professor: Black men in armor, or men in black armor?

GM: Men in black armor -- of all races and genders.

Me: But, the armor is black! And that can only mean ONE THING!

All: They're EVIL!

Me: Exactly!

Evidence of something else was found, I think space vampires, in the nearby nebula.

GM: Normally, they work for ghoul kings -- but there haven't been any alive!

Van Dieter: They're not alive! They're dead, man!

And, his player tossed in a Fate point to declare that the PC recognized one of the men in black armor.

Van Dieter: Oh no! It's one of my old crew members -- Robert the Blood!

Dr. Lombardi Bonehook was found hiding in a pickle jar.

Professor: You are under academic censure, young man!

Dr. Lombardi Bonehook: You're not my professor any more!

The doctor explained about some experiment gone horribly wrong, and the PCs realized that the true villain behind the scenes was --

GM: Morbidius, the Ghoul King!

Van Dieter: Ah, he got away!

GM: Actually, he was supposed to be dead!

Van Dieter: Hey, all ghouls are dead!

And Fate points flew to give Morbidius a ridiculous convoluted history tying him to all of the PCs.

Obi: And is he a Jones clone with Jedi Warlock Powers? (I toss in a Fate point.)

GM: Yes!

Gwendolyn: He's my evil Uncle Balsac! (Player tosses in a Fate point.)

GM: Yes!

Someone: And that means he's a Time Traveler! And he controls cyber vampire children! (Tosses in a fate point.)

GM: Yes!

Dr. Lombardi Bonehook: We didn't know any of this!

Professor: And that is why you only got a B+.

The composite villain was now dubbed Morbalsac!

But, what was to be done with Dr. Lombardi Bonehook:

Professor: Back in the pickle jar!

Obi: No, someone's gonna want to eat pickles, and we don't want him stinking them up!

Professor: Isn't it a little late for that?

Obi: No, he got out of this.

Nevertheless, it was back in the pickle jar for the B+ student.

Throughout, Gwendolyn's breasts were powerful weapons, allowing her to manipulate men like toys. Obi did not fully see the appeal... and yet, he began to wonder if there had been something that the Jedi masters had not told him.

Van Dieter: I wouldn't shake it like that if I were you.

Professor: Easy with that, Jiggles!

The crew prepared for battle with the enemy forces (who, I think, were on some other ship).

Obi: So, she's sharpening her sword, and I'm sharpening my light saber. With a light rock.

Fangorn Malevolous was the name of Morbidius's chief lieutenant, according to my notes.

GM: So, you guys want to come out with guns blazing?

Someone: Actually, we're going to come out with Lunerians screaming.

And they made an excellent distraction. I think the PCs used a quantum bomb, though exactly what it was used for, I don't recall.

Van Dieter faced off with Robert the Blood, both men with gun drawn. Then, Van Dieter used I Have the Weapon, drawing a second gun with his other hand. Alas, Robert the Blood also had I Have the Weapon, and he was not afraid to use it.

But, Van Dieter had a second use of I Have the Weapon! Yes, a third arm emerged from his chest and drew a third gun!

And, the player made sure to do the required (mechanically -- I think it was on his sheet) product placement, inventing on the fly.

Player: Techno Technologies --

Someone: The gun of champions!

Someone: And Evil!

Meanwhile, professor psychoanalyzed Mobidius / Morbalsac, who had a Powerful Orb.

Professor: Actually, you don't need the orb. It's a crutch. You're evil all on your own!

Gwendolyn sat on her uncle's lap and confused him with her breasts, pretending she was willing to cut a deal with him.

Morbidius-Balsac gave the professor the orb.

Professor: What power did I get from the orb?

GM: The orb could not bestow any power that's better than your natural genius.

Professor: Fair enough.

GM: And you have Force Lightning.

Wink's player: Wink hits Blood with a Lunarian.

Someone: By the way, he has to share (??) that.

Someone: And the Lunarian.

But someone escaped to be a comic foil, though my notes aren't clear on who that was. And some device, whether the orb or a quantum bomb or something else entirely went off with a Special Effect.

GM: It's actually taken from Star Wars cuz you guys didn't have the budget to make up your own.

The PCs were scattered.

Tin Man's player: The robot lands on top of Wink's parents -- a freak murder accident!

GM: You are scattered throughout the timestream, and you are each others' backstory!

And that, we agreed, was the season ending cliffhanger, though I am dubious about whether the show got renewed.