Fulminata: Weekend at Bernius's

GM: Michael Miller

Michael explained the various roles, all slaves of the Roman equestrian, Bernius. Bernius was rich enough to have bought his way into the patrician class, but had never done so, as this would have meant he would have had to give up his business dealings in the Roman gladiatorial games. Bernius was a slave merchant who dealt heavily, but not exclusively, in gladiators. He also often fixed the outcomes of gladiatorial bouts.

The PCs were:

Helena (Jessica Banks): Trained to be the concubine of an emperor, her owner had to give her to Bernius instead, to settle a debt. Bernius put her work in the kitchens, explaining to his peers that she just didn't meet his high standards and that he wouldn't inflict her on his worst enemy.

Valentino (Clarke Valentine): Young bodyguard, trained for loyalty, bought on the block by Bernius. Valentino fell in love with Helena. As slaves can own slaves, he decided to buy her. Although not the smartest of men, he was astute enough to realize that the gladiators Bernius wagered on won. Valentino proceeded to wager on the same gladiators. This worked well, and he was one wager away from winning enough to buy Helena when Bernius found out about his plan and put a stop to it.

Falco (Lisa Padol): Poet and Bernius' illegitimate son. His face bore a great resemblance to Bernius'. Bernius often said that he would have sold Falco years ago if only he could have found someone able to tolerate Falco's bad verse. Recently, he had taken to speculating that he might be able to find a buyer if he cut out Falco's tongue.

Festus (Nick Wedig): Valet, born free, but given to Bernius by his father as payment for a debt. His father had not learned his lesson, and continued to gamble, hoping for a big enough win to buy his son back. Not only had this not happened, but he was now one loss away from having to sell his daughter. Bernius took great delight in telling Festus exactly what sort of work his sister would be expected to perform.

Oedipus (Bryant Durrell): Old bodyguard and former gladiator who foolishly agreed to lose a bout. Bernius had promised him that this would enable him to retire a rich man. Instead, the now lame Oedipus became Bernius' slave and bodyguard.

Parasitus (Alexander Cherry): Messenger given to Burnius by M. Celatus Fortunias, who was considering going into business with Burnius.

Jessica: Oh, he's the fruit basket.

However, as Bernius had discovered just that day, Parasitus had been spying on the household for Fortunias. Bernius informed him that such great treachery deserved an equally great punishment. Bernius retired to think of something suitable.

Flashforward to earlier in the day, when Bernius attended the gladiatorial games with an ambassador from China. Michael described the panoramic view of the climax of a gladiator fight, followed by a horde of weeping women and some children forced onto the sands.

Puzzled, the ambassador asked the meaning of this "entertainment". Bernius explained that these were slaves who would be torn apart by wild animals for the crime of murdering their master.

The ambassador was astonished that so many could have possibly planned such a crime. Bernius, laughing jovially, explained that most of them hadn't even known of the plot. But, by Roman law, if a slave murders his master, all the slaves are executed. As Bernius noted, it gave all slaves strong motivation to reveal plots against their masters.

So, Bernius felt confident of his safety when he returned to his private island, informed his slaves that there would be a dinner party that evening, and retired to consider Parasitus' punishment. Oedipus took up his usual station, in a chair outside Bernius' room, and was soon fast asleep, snoring.

Festus came by when it was time to get Bernius ready for his dinner party. He found Bernius sprawled on the bed, holding an empty cup of wine. A green trickle flowed from his lips. He did not move.

Realizing Bernius had been killed, probably by poison, Festus questioned / chided Oedipus about falling asleep on duty.

Oedipus: At my age, you take your sleep where you can get it.

Festus explained the situation with Bernius.

Festus: He's dead.

Oedipus: That's not funny.

Festus: Go in there.

Oedipus: That's not funny either.

Oedipus did confirm that Bernius was dead. Parasitus, who had been fretting over his fate, overheard, and tried to sneak away. Festus and Oedipus noticed this, and called for help stopping him.

Helena and Valentino heard the ruckus, and Valentino headed out to look.

Helena: Your tunic's on backwards.

Valentino: Wait, that's your tunic.

At the urging of Festus and Oedipus, Valentino chased Parasitus. Parasitus ran towards Helena. Valentino told her to stop Parasitus.

Jessica: I have a talent for dropping men onto their backs, so I think I'll have a shot at this. (as Helena knocks Parasitus down with a well aimed blow from her hairbrush) Well, usually not so forcefully.

The five slaves came to a realization of how bad their situation was, some faster than others.

Valentino: What was that for? Why is Oedipus crying?

Helena: The Master's dead.

Valentino: Why is Oedipus crying?

As this was explained, Helena thought of Falco, whom, as she pointed out, looked just like the Master. I could see where this was going. So, when Michael asked if Falco, who was in the library, composing a poem for the upcoming dinner party, was doing anything when he heard the commotion, I said no. Falco was going to be the center of attention soon enough, and I did not want to be greedy. Falco, who was one of 2 PCs with balanced humors, calmly ignored the commotion and continued working on the poem.

A few minutes later, the others, led by Helena, went to fetch him. Falco complained that Bernius wouldn't like his poem. His fellow slaves assured him that this was no longer a problem. They told him the news, showing him Bernius' body when he thought they were joking. He asked if they were sure Bernius was dead. Everyone agreed that he was too still to be alive and that wine was not generally green.

Various quotes as plans were made and the barge carrying the guests began to approach:

Helena: I'm forming an idea.

Someone: Does it hurt?

Helena: No!

Oedipus: Wait, I have another idea. It's not any better.

Falco had a mattress tied around him to give him the appropriate girth and was instructed to stay very still in the room where the diner would be held. Bernius always had Helena join the dinners as one of the guests, so Helena would be able to cue Falco as needed. There was an idea of making Falco and the other guests sick for reasons that seemed somehow to make sense. It involved establishing that Bernius had frequent bouts of illness so that, sometime, in the near future, he could officially die of one such bout.

No one was all that interested to learn who had killed Bernius. The 6 slaves agreed that, if they survived, whoever had killed the master had done them a favor. Survival was the key thing.

Falco promised that, if somehow, he got through the evening, he would sacrifice a goat to his patron god Apollo. Michael had me roll Falco's piety. I got the lowest possible success. Michael said that the next time I missed a related roll for Falco by 1, I could count it as a success.

Now, we all had our characters name tags folded over and standing in front of us.

Michael: Okay, let me get this straight. Falco is pretending to be Bernius. (everyone agrees) Right. (puts Bernius' name tag over Falco's)

The barge arrived, and its occupants were greeted by Helena and Festus, and shown to the vestibule to wait. The guests were:

M. Herius Auspex: Bernius' childhood friend. Fortunately, he hadn't seen Bernius in many years, living, as he did, in Africa

Fabia Eonia: Auspex's niece

M. Gladius Severus: decorated war hero, finishing 20 year tour of duty, plebian, anxious to show Bernius his "moves"

T. Rabirus Ruso: Carthaginian counterpart of Bernius

M. Celatus Fortunias: Sponsors Roman chariot races, Parasitus' previous master. He insisted on speaking to Bernius at once.

Atia Castra: Vestal Virgin from Rome, visiting Bernius to thank him for unspecified donations

M. Salvius Vitalis: Noted field surgeon, plebian

Vetia Titia: Senator Titus' daughter, interested in hearing Falco's poetry from the poet's own lips

Nastina and Brutina: 2 very muscular dancing girls whose high pitched voices seemed rather forced. They wanted to give Bernius a private performance.

Roman dinner parties are given for multiples of 9 people. So, with Bernius and Helena attending, there should be 7 guests. Yet, 10 people had come off the barge. The 2 dancing girls could be discounted as official dinner guests, but this still left 8, one too many. Someone suggested leaving Helena out, but she said that Falco could never get through the dinner without her help.

After some discussion, they agreed that the numbers would work if Vetia Titia could be distracted from the dinner by Falco, or someone pretending to be Falco. At first, Helena tried to convince Valentino to do this, making love to the senator's daughter, if necessary. This confused Valentino. Falco pointed out that Parasitus was the logical person to pretend to be Falco. If his old master, Fortunias, asked after him, Falco / "Bernius" could truthfully explain or intimate that Parasitus' spying had been noticed, and that Bernius had been considering suitable punishment.

Michael: Okay, let me get this straight. Parasitus is pretending to be Falco. (everyone agrees) Right. (lifts Bernius' name tag off Falco's, picks up Falco's name tag, putting it on top of Parasitus', then replaces Bernius' name tag in front of Lisa)

Fortunias insisted on seeing Bernius, so Falco agreed to call him in before dinner. He blamed the delay on Helena, showering her with enough abuse to be convincing, but not so much she felt she needed to hurt him. When he asked her anxiously if he needed to say lascivious things to Festus about Festus' sister, she said that he didn't and told him to remember that he wasn't really Bernius, but Falco.

Falco / "Bernius" sent Vetia Titia to Parasitus / "Falco", warning her that the slave's poetry was atrocious. She indignantly denied this. Falco thought of Parasitus awaiting the woman with some jealousy, and wondered how she had become acquainted with his poetry.

Oedipus: I wasn't going to tell you this, but Bernius was always talking about how bad your poetry was.

Falco: Then, why does she think it's good?

Oedipus: No one believed Bernius!

Meanwhile, Festus tried to keep track of the dinner, as Helena wanted to make sure something to make the guests ill would be added. Oedipus wanted to steal some wine. And, for reasons I forget, Festus and Valentino wanted the none too bright wine steward to guard the room with the body. All of the irregularities, including a missing kitchen knife, put Helga, the slave in charge of the kitchen, in a very foul temper, especially when her attempt to intimidate someone with her cleaver failed.

Helga: You serve the wine! My wine steward has been taken off by your companion.

Festus: There's no morals in the empire any more.

Various guests were missing when Festus checked the vestibule. The muscular dancing girls were nowhere to be seen, though Festus found a veil in the garden. Atia Castra, the Vestal Virgin, was discovered in Bernius' study, calmly searching through his papers. She was utterly poised and completely unembarrassed, merely asking Festus if the dinner were beginning.

Meanwhile, Valentino went to check on the room with the body. The wine steward had been knocked out, and Helga's missing knife was protruding from Bernius' chest.

Valentino: They killed him again!

He ran to Helena in distress.

Helena: One of our knives is missing.

Valentino: Well, I found it.

Other quotes from about this point in the game:

Helena (to Oedipus): Old counts for something -- you're not useless!

Falco (about Helena): I'm counting on her to tell me what I need to know.

Oedipus: Well, we all have hopes and dreams.

Meanwhile, Parasitus recited hastily memorized poetry by Falco to Vetia Titia. She asked for a particular poem, and he got her to recite it with him, explaining to her as Falco that he'd never heard his own poetry recited by someone else. With her unwitting help, he got through the poem. As one thing led, predictably, to another, Michael put the very differently shaped nametag of Vetia Titia over the Falco nametag, straddling it in a subtly suggestive way.

Lisa: Wow, these things are better than miniatures!

Eventually, all the dinner guests except the "dancing girls" and Vetia Titia. Falco / "Bernius" concluded his business, not really caring what the final settlement was, so long as he appeared to have negotiated as Bernius would have.

Fortunias: You drive a hard bargain, Bernius. All right, 40% for you, 60% for me it is.

Fearing this might seem too favorable, Falco made a very veiled reference to Fortunias' true purpose in giving Parasitus to Bernius, but didn't dare push it. He told Atia Castra that he was honored by her presence.

Atia Castra: Of course you are.

M. Herius Auspex and Fabia Eonia were seated near "Bernius" / Falco. As Auspex, Michael looked past me and extended his hand well off line for me to shake it. I wondered then if Auspex were blind, but almost immediately forgot the question.

As Helena had suggested, Falco asked Auspex which was the last letter he'd received from Bernius and which was the last he'd sent, given the variable speed of messengers. Auspex obligingly described these in detail, as his niece listened intently. Apparently, Bernius spoke of his son Falco, praising his poetry and suggesting a match between him and Auspex's daughter. Falco's status as a slave was never mentioned.

Helena recognized M. Salvius Vitalis, and advised Falco that the man was no field surgeon. He was a slave of Helena's former master. Valentino recognized M. Gladius Severus, no decorated war hero, but a fellow slave who had been training to be a gladiator.

Severus suggested that after dinner, he could demonstrate his moves on Oedipus. Out of Severus' sight, the lame Oedipus silently indicated that on no account should Falco agree. Severus then praised Oedipus' skill, saying the aged gladiator had inspired him. Falco caught Oedipus' eye, silently asking if he should perform an introduction, and received a silent, but enthusiastic affirmative.

Oedipus: Well, the war hero Severus has been telling everyone about how I was his inspiration -- me, Oedipus.

I wish I could adequately describe Bryant's tone, as the usually cynical, lazy bodyguard found reason to feel proud and flattered. This lasted even after he learned Severus' story.

Severus was not a war veteran. He had indeed been a slave, and he aspired to be a great gladiator. Just as he was about to achieve this goal, a most unfair thing happened: Severus' master died, freeing all his slaves in his will.

Oedipus made the obvious, but still true, comment about Severus not knowing how good he had it. But there was more. As a freedman, Severus could not be a gladiator. Oedipus asked why he was posing as a war hero. Severus explained that this was to see Bernius and ask if Bernius could help him become a gladiator.

Oedipus tried to get Severus to lend him money on the pretext of wanting to open a training school for gladiators. Actually, he wanted to buy his freedom. Alas, Severus missed Oedipus' hints, and wished him well finding a backer.

By now, most of the other diners began feeling the effect of the purgative herbs in the food. Falco, I think having forgotten The Plan, tried to fight his nausea, unsuccessfully.

Lisa: I don't want to vomit in front of a vestal.

For some reason, folks found this a very funny line. Various guests hastily excused themselves, and "Bernius" / Falco did likewise.

Lisa: I start moving slowly with haste towards my room.

Helena told the no longer eating Atia Castra that perhaps, under the circumstances, they should consider the dinner over.

Atia Castra (rising, with complete tranquillity and utter condescension): I should think so.

Meanwhile, a very happy Vetia Titia told "Falco" / Parasitus that she was actually Dido, slave of the actual Vetia Titia. Dido had impersonated her mistress to meet Falco, fearing the poet would not be interested in a mere slave. "Falco" / Parasitus hastened to assure her that she was wrong.

"Bernius" / Falco headed for Bernius' room, with assistance from Valentino.

Valentino: Are you really going to blow?

Falco: Yes!

Michael: And not a humor point.

Humor points are a game mechanic allowing rerolls.

It suddenly occurred to Falco that The Plan meant that, instead of merely being blamed for Bernius' death, the would now be blamed for trying to poison several citizens. He shared this cheerless thought with Valentino.

Valentino: Why didn't you think of this two hours ago?

Falco: Because I am not a thinker. I am a poet.

At this, Michael decided, and we agreed, that Valentino and Falco were outside the room where Dido and Parasitus had gotten acquainted. Dido said that she had better get home to her mistress, and she stepped out into the hallway in time to hear "Bernius" / Falco declare himself a poet. I decided that this would be followed by his vomiting at her feet. (See my comments near the beginning of the Cthlhupunk write up below about players sometimes being more sadistic with their PCs than the GM is.)

With uncharacteristic quick thinking, Valentino explained that Bernius had occasional fits of delirium. "Bernius" / Falco asked "Vetia Titia" / Dido how she had enjoyed Falco's poetry, savagely deriding it when she praised it. I think this was because he wanted to be a convincing "Bernius", because he was jealous of Parasitus enjoying the bounty of a noble woman that should be his, because he was ill, and because he was unused to hearing praise for his poems. "Vetia Titia" / Dido replied indignantly that "Bernius'" illness was the gods' punishment for his failure to appreciate Falco's poetry. "Falco" / Parasitus coaxed her back to bed. Valentino got Falco somewhere safe. By now, Helena was feeling the strain of the evening.

Helena: Have we checked the body recently to see if somebody's killed him again? Because I wouldn't put it past them. It's been that kind of a day.

As Valentino discovered, Vitalis actually was trying to kill Bernius, pouring poison into a vessel near the corpse, which he though was simply a sleeping Bernius. Valentino let slip Bernius' actual condition.

Vitalis (grasping the implications): I'm very sorry for you.

As Valentino persisted in keeping him from leaving, Vitalis tried to convince the bodyguard to let him leave on the barge with Helena. He even offered to take Valentino along. However, while normally easily influenced, once set in his course, Valentino was hard to move. And he had been told to trust Helena, who had not indicated any change of plan.

Falco found Eonia, sounding her out about what Bernius had been telling her uncle about him. To his astonishment, she made it clear to "Bernius" / Falco that Bernius had been praising his son so effusively that she wondered if he even had a son. After all, she had not even seen this "Falco".

Eonia: Does he even exist? Or is this all just a way to trick my fath -- I mean, my uncle -- into giving you money?

"Bernius" said that he understood her doubts and that Falco really did exist. Unwilling to risk saying more, Falco nevertheless found himself less jealous of Parasitus.

Survival remained his first priority. He consulted with Helena, Festus, and Oedipus, and a new plan was devised: "Bernius" would revise his will to free all his slaves when he died -- and to sacrifice every goat on the island to Apollo. The others questioned Falco's idea of freeing all the slaves, but Oedipus pointed out that it would raise suspicions if only the 6 who knew of Bernius' death were freed. Falco had actually not considered this, nor was he trying to strike a blow against slavery in general. It was just that, from the moment he agreed to be Bernius, he had been very aware that the lives of all of Bernius' slaves depended on him.

Helena and Festus suggested getting Atia Castra to witness the new will, even though all were skeptical that she was who and what she claimed to be.

Oedipus: Why not? The more dishonest people witnessing it, the better.

As "Vetia Titia" / Dido and "Falco" / Parasitus stole food from the kitchen and went to the garden for a picnic, "Bernius" / Falco found Atia Castra and asked her to witness his new will.

Atia Castra: Changing the will? Now, there's a new wrinkle.

Falco wondered if she were on to him. The players wondered if she were a Roman Jane Marple.

Just then, a barge came to shore with an urban cohort, aka a Roman police squad. Their leader announced that Bernius had been murdered by his slaves.

Oedipus protested that the war hero Severus would vouch for him. Alas, he'd forgotten that there was no such person. Certainly, the cohort knew of no Severus. This did not keep him from suggesting he and Oedipus face the cohort together. Oedipus prudently declined, telling the soldiers to go ahead and arrest a lame old man. They were unimpressed.

Dido and Parasitus hid in the garden. Valentino drew his sword on Vitalis, taking him prisoner and loudly announcing that he'd caught the murderer. Vitalis cursed him. Atia Castra calmly strode towards the soldiers. Falco strode out with the boldness of desperation, claiming to be Bernius and demanding to know who had said he was dead.

This proved to be T. Rabirus Ruso, traveling with the cohort. If Parasitus had not been sent to distract "Vetia Titia" / Dido, he would have seen that the man claiming to be T. Rabirus Ruso at the dinner party was not the real Ruso.

When Falco announced himself as Bernius, a confused Valentino put his sword away. He and Vitalis were brought outside. Falco whispered to the latter to take Helena and go. Vitalis whispered back that he would love to, but there was this small matter of the urban cohort having commandeered the only barge. Nastina and Brutina were rounded up by the cohort, proving to be men. Then, Bernius' body was found.

Falco maintained that he was Bernius.

Nastina or Brutina: I know Bernius, and you, sir, are no Bernius!

The cohort leader asked who the dead man was, if not Bernius. Falco claimed it was Bernius' bastard brother, stabbed by Nastina and Brutina.

Michael had me roll and I had my first game encounter with FVLMINATA's odd debate / persuasion rules. First, I rolled for success, making it. Next came the effect roll. This meant I had to defines what would happen if I rolled very well, i.e., a win; what bone the opposition will grant the PC if I rolled badly, i.e. a loss; and a neutral result between the two. I was surprised by the lack of a dreaded total disaster option, but, as Michael pointed out when looking over my first draft of this write up, a total disaster would have happened if I had failed the first roll. I had succeeded, so the main question was: How well? My worst case outcome was that the cohort would believe that Falco was Bernius, but would still conduct a full investigation.

I asked if I could use the divine bonus here, and Michael agreed. With it, I got the highest possible success. The cohort believed Falco and found it suspicious that Ruso knew so much about the murder. Ruso was furious at the faux Ruso, who was the actual murderer. "Ruso" had slipped onto the island, poisoned Bernius, and slipped off, joining the other guests on the barge.

Nastina and Brutina were gladiators who, like Oedipus, had taken a dive in the arena and been cheated by Bernius for their pains. Unlike Oedipus, they had not been bought by Bernius. One of them had stabbed the body with the kitchen knife.

Atia Castra was an undercover urban cohort. Bernius had hired her to investigate Fortunias, and she decided to investigate Bernius as well. She had no inkling that Falco was not Bernius, despite the poet's fears. She merely suspected Bernius was up to no good.

Auspex was totally blind, which is why he did not realize that his daughter, not his niece, accompanied him. He would not have spoken so freely about his daughter had he known she was there. Bernius had indeed been trying to bilk his childhood friend out of money.

Fortunias was pretty much what he appeared to be, though I don't know if he realized "Ruso" was an impostor. Valentino suggested confiding in Fortunias, who wanted Bernius' business. He was vehemently overruled.

However, when Michael asked how long the charade would continue, we agreed that "Bernius" should decide to retire from the gladiator business, selling it and most of the household slaves to a delighted Fortunias. We started to explain how the 6 PCs could be maneuvered out of slavery until Michael pointed out that they could simply doctor the household accounts so it looked like they had bought their freedom. Then, Bernius "died" in a boating accident, and all the goats were sacrificed to Apollo.

At this point, Michael, back in film mode, described the body bobbing up and down in the water until it finally sank, then the smoke rising up from the sacrificed goats. He then worked with us to create a brief epilogue for each of the PCs.

Parasitus kept his identity as Falco and married Dido, doing his best to continue writing poetry.

Dido (as the two are riding along): Dear, I must say that your muse seems to have deserted you since our wedding.

Helena became an emperor's concubine, with Valentino guarding the door to the imperial bedchamber.

Clark: Man, that sucks.

We pointed out that Valentino could spend much time with his beloved Helena.

Clark: No -way- am I sleeping with the emperor's concubine!

Oedipus decided to open a gladiator school after all, unable to come up with anything better to do. Festus had a joyful reunion with his family.

And Falco? He traveled to Africa with a sheaf of poetry under his arm, hoping to woo Auspex's daughter.

After this pleasant end, it was time to vote for Best Roleplayer. The rule was 2 votes per person, no voting for oneself. My votes went to Bryant, who took what could have been a dull role in other hands and made it sparkle, and to Clark, who did a wonderful job as the easily confused Valentino without ever forcing the pacing to slow.

I admit that I was not entirely surprised to win. Everyone was top notch, including myself, but I also happened to be cast in what proved to be the central role. The role itself wouldn't have been enough if I hadn't been good, but it probably gave me an edge. The prize was a nifty trophy, currently sitting on my shelf.

Jessica said that she'd feared Falco would be unable to resist the urge to break into poetry at dinner, and other players pointed out that Falco could recite lines of poetry while pretending to ridicule them as Bernius. Maybe I should have done that, but it never occurred to me.

Michael said that he'd gone soft on a previous group who confessed all to Auspex, swearing they had nothing to do with Bernius' death. While it's true that Auspex would probably not have agreed to help the slaves, I don't know that this was the wrong call. General question: What should a GM do if the PCs are suicidally dumb early in a convention game? At the end, it may be fine to leave them to a grisly fate, but what if you have 2 or 3 hours left of a game the players have paid for?

The scenario was written by Michael's wife Kat, who is considering making it into a larp. This was my favorite tabletop RPG at GenCon this year. I'd love a copy of the scenario, and I hope I get to play with these folks again.